You know those days. Those days when your judgement seems clouded and you’ve lost control. Those days when nothing goes right and you’re body fights you… and you don’t even know how to fight it or even start to beat it. Well today is one of those days. One of those days where you don’t know whether to scream, cry, or panic so you don’t do anything of those and just sit in silence. Today is one of those days.
Last night my thumb (I still don’t even know if it was a joint, ligament, or tendon) subluxed. In the shower.
I will spare you the humiliating details about how I had to call for help- in fear that I was going to pass out and get hurt on the tile floor- and had to have my dad carry me into the living room after my younger sister helped me get dressed. It wasn’t an ideal situation for anyone. It was no one’s fault… just my body’s.
Last month, I had to get an MRI done and I have to be sedated for all my MRI’s because my nerves can’t handle them (not anxiety nerves like my physical nerves can’t handle it.) During the “pre-op” part there were some… malfunctions.. that resulted in a tragic series of events. One of those was sparking the RSD symptoms that I had under great control. The way I fought the RSD before was so successful, I just can’t do that now. My body could never handle all that I did before, especially not while I am in the beginning stages of healing from 3 hip subluxations. I am experiencing symptoms I haven’t in years, and I don’t know how to stop it. I know how to desensitize, which I am doing, and I know how to work out… which I can’t do. I get that horrible “ants crawling under your skin” feeling in my legs and what sucks about that is that you can’t get away from your own skin. I don’t know how to fight this. All I know is that today my thumb is in way more pain than yesterday, my patience is wearing thin, my fiancé’s patience is wearing thin, my knee is trying to sublux, I can’t get out of my own skin, and I don’t know what to do. Everyone seems to think that because I have done this before and because I keep coming back from everything that “I must know I can do it again.” but I am tired. I am in pain. I am frustrated. and I don’t know how to fix this.
I know not all days will be like this one. I know that tomorrow is a new day, a new chance for growth, progress, patience, and well being. I know that how I am feeling will pass, and that tomorrow I will shake this off and get my ass in gear. Today is just not that day- and that is okay. If you are having one of those days- that’s okay. Chronic illnesses test us and those around us in many different ways, this is one of those ways. This is the reality of having a chronic illness. It’s not an everyday reality, it’s not the universal reality, but it is one of the many aspects of dealing with or loving someone with a chronic illness. Do I know for sure that tomorrow will be better- no, but I do know that tomorrow is a fresh start. I brand new opportunity to practice patience and to refrain from self pity and bickering with your loved one. This life is hard, but we have to use that spare spoon in our back pocket on days like today, that’s what it’s there for. If you take anything away from reading this I hope you know that it is normal to have days like this, but a problem if all of your days are like this. I hope you know that you are not the only one that feels this way.
Continue to fight strong spoonies, even if today isn’t your day.